“Now, you may have seen this earlier on the news. Did you hear what President Bush said to the pope after his speech today? This is an exact quote. I’m not changing it. He said, ‘Awesome speech, your Holiness.’ That’s what he said to the pope. See, he didn’t want to say ‘dude,’ because it was a formal affair.” –Jay Leno

“And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he’s talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who’s actually lived through an ice age.” –Jay Leno

“According to a survey by the History Network, 98% of professional historians believe that George W. Bush’s presidency has been a failure. The other 2% believe it was a total disaster. So, you could go either way.” –Jay Leno

“Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They’re both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It’s a fine line.” –Stephen Colbert

“President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we’ve all prayed every single day.” –Jay Leno

“The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored is our president? He’s not the president anymore. Now he’s like your college stoner roommate, doing favors for pizza. Next week I think he’s helping Putin move.” –Jon Stewart

“A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list.” –Amy Poehler

“Between gasoline prices and the mortgage foreclosures, people are hurting. And you know who finally noticed this? John McCain. He changed his position on people losing their homes, from his original, ‘Drop Dead,’ to a new policy called ‘Go F*ck Yourself Plus.’” –Bill Maher

“Here’s something interesting I learned. Did you know, John McCain does not use the Secret Service protection? … Yeah, yeah. He hasn’t been using them. He has his own team. In fact, you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers.” –Jay Leno

“The number two man in Al Qaeda in iraq, terrorist mastermind Abu al-Masri, is dead. He is dead. He reportedly died of natural causes. Died of natural causes. That’s when you know the war has been going on a long time. Okay? When your enemies just start dying of natural causes!” –Jay Leno
 
From DIRECT, created by Bob Jellison for the San Diego Democratic Party newsletter.