Late Night Political Jokes for Dems

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“Losing all three of the primaries was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest.” –David Letterman

“Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said ‘$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum scored a hat trick winning in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Newt Gingrich scored a hat trick eating at KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There’s really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“Romney is so confident that he’s getting cocky. He’s already putting the dog on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” –David Letterman

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.” –Conan O’Brien

“After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich jumped on Romney’s gaffe. He said he does care about the poor people, he loves the very poor. In fact, under his plan, poor black people would be the first ones he’s sending up to the moon colony.” –Bill Maher

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore…but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” –Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s restaurant to show that he’s a normal American… just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn’t spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d’.” –Jay Leno

“After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Romney said the poor ought to get together and go to Best Buy to watch the Super Bowl on the wide screen.” –David Letterman

Courtesy of DIRECT eZine, the newsletter of the San Diego County Democratic Party

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All Things Democrat @allthingsdem
@who4fan @Cajun_Manor @jt4congress2016 Not a socialist, an atheist, or a fucking pervert. Bye Bernie. America rejects you and your sickos.
9 minutes ago
All Things Democrat @allthingsdem
@who4fan @Cajun_Manor @jt4congress2016 I'll treat you both like fucking atheists. Americans would NEVER elect a fucking atheist as president
11 minutes ago
All Things Democrat @allthingsdem
@who4fan @Cajun_Manor @jt4congress2016 FDR was also a leader in the Episcopalian church and Bernie's a fucking atheist.
1 hour ago
All Things Democrat @allthingsdem
@who4fan @Cajun_Manor @jt4congress2016 And he would have despised Sanders' sick, perverted writings on gang rape fantasies and teen sex.
1 hour ago
All Things Democrat @allthingsdem
@who4fan @Cajun_Manor @jt4congress2016 FDR helped destroy the campaign of socialist Upton Sinclair in the 1934 California governor's race.
1 hour ago