Late Night Political Jokes for Dems

“This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.” –Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don’t have sleeves.” –Stephen Colbert

“More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don’t want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone’s native land and tell them they’re speaking the wrong language.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he’s leading in chins.” –David Letterman

“March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It’s how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here’s a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that’s where his money lives.” –Jon Stewart

“President Obama announced his final four: Kentucky, Ohio, Missouri, and North Carolina. Mitt Romney announced his final four: Goldman Sachs, Wells Fargo, Exxon, and the Cayman Islands.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Rick Santorum on winning the Mississippi and Alabama primaries. Newt Gingrich finished second, Mitt Romney finished third, and Ron Paul is still finishing his cornflakes.” –Jay Leno

“A new CBS poll found that 80% of Americans say they’re not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20% own gas stations.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon… it’s not catching on with the voters. See, here’s my question: what kind of candidate are you if people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office? ‘We’ll go with the six bucks, it’s fine. We’ve got it covered.’” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It’s like he was Newt Gingrich.” –David Letterman

“Did you see Mitt Romney this week? He was trying to appeal to the Southern voters. He told folks the other day that he had a biscuit and some cheesy grits for breakfast. I didn’t know that they served that at the Ritz Carlton.” –Jay Leno

“Actually there was one awkward moment for Mitt Romney. They asked him if he’d ever been down to the banks of the Mississippi and he said, ‘No. Do they have a better rate than the Cayman Islands?’” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn’t blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno

“Romney’s birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it’s a national holiday.” –Jay Leno

“Don’t kid yourself, Rush is in a lot of trouble. He’s down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum nearly won Ohio, despite a flood of ads that said that Rick Santorum is a creepy, far-right, socially backward extremist – and those were his ads. That’s how he sells himself.” –Bill Maher

“To recap the Republican views on women: you can’t have birth control, you’re sluts, and you’re fat. Vote for me in November everyone.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney won a key victory in the Ohio Super Tuesday primary narrowly beating Rick Santorum by just 1 percent. Specifically, the 1 percent.” –Seth Meyers

“Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign, saying ‘I’m the tortoise. I take it one step at a time. Also, if you roll me onto my back I can never get up.’” –Seth Meyers

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O’Brien

“This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.” –Conan O’Brien

Courtesy of DIRECT eZine, the newsletter of the San Diego County Democratic Party

This entry was posted in Late Night Political Jokes for Dems, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Satire and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.
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