A Vagina Dialogue

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After Michigan state Rep. Lisa Brown (D) delivered this address

she was banned from speaking.  She dared utter The-Word-We-Must-Not-Say.  This hysterical, unregulated woman clearly did not understand why she must never speak that word, because she responded by saying:

What has not been reported until now is that upon speaking the name of her ‘Virginia Tech’, she opened a rift into another dimension.  Legislative aide Joseph King said,

“After Lisa mentioned her… va… va… Voldemort… out loud, all the lights exploded in a shower of sparks.  There was a lot of screaming.  A ring of fire leapt up from the floor where Lisa was standing.  A creature burst forth from her melting skin like a giant pink crocodile tearing through paper.  A reddish hue emanated from the gaping monstrosity.  It bellowed in a deep, horrifying, yet somehow kittenish voice.  It addressed [House Speaker] Jase [Bolger, (R)].”

The following is the transcript of the encounter that followed:

Bolger: Wha? Who…?  Dear God!  What are you?!

Ova Lord: Behooold!  I am the Ova Lord!

Bolger: Wha… what do you want?

Ova Lord: To speak!  And to be heeeard!

Bolger:  Well, ahhh… [gaveling] You do not have the floor.  Silence!  Order!

Ova Lord:  FOOL!  You have gone too far.  Your war to keep me in the kitchen of solitude is at an end.  You cannot silence me or choose for me when or how I can speak.  You tried to silence a Congresswoman, elected to speak for tens of thousands of citizens.  And so she summoned MEEE!

Bolger: This is against legislative procedure!  You can’t be here, you can’t speak now, or ever.  There must never be a va… ‘vagabond’ in the statehouse!  Go back to the shadow realm of ovens!

Ova Lord: I know you and your Republican ilk.  Your arguments are hollow so you resort to cheap tricks to control the debate: filibustering, budget brinkmanship, destroying unions, bribing judges, voter suppression…  And now you dare to censor a representative for speaking out against your petty games.

Bolger: It’s not censorship.  She violated decorum!  She mentioned… you!

Ova Lord: You have no authority to dictate when freedom of speech begins and ends.  Censorship is a serious violation of the First Amendment, especially against someone elected to speak for others, and especially when debating a bill soon to be voted upon.  You also sought to silence her as she was illuminating what a serious breach of the First Amendment the bill itself is, you pathetic groveling little man.  The government, in effect, adopts Christianity as the official state religion by imposing its ethical mores on women’s healthcare.  It violates her Jewish faith, in which, as she said, if the pregnancy threatens the mother’s life, the life of the mother always takes precedence over the life of the unborn, no matter how long she has been pregnant.  This selective and skewed interpretation of the First Amendment is indicative of the broader campaign by you and your kind to redefine free speech.  Through Citizens United you seek to make speech available only to those who have paid for it, those who pay you, and those you agree with.  Yet when actual citizens unite, you seek to silence them, encouraging laws and law enforcement to keep organized protests corralled and intimidated, and denying freedom of the press.  Meanwhile, you deny any effort to regulate the bankers who brought the economy to its knees, yet you enthusiastically regulate women’s bodies.  You seek to silence an elected woman for speaking about the vagina in a congressional debate about regulating the VAGINA!

Bolger: No!  Gahh!  It burns my ears.  [gaveling]  This is blasphemy.  You can’t say va… ‘vainglorious’ in here!  Blasphemy!

Ova Lord: There can be no blasphemy in a democracy, you imbecile!  No ideas or words are off-limits to a free people.  You seek to impose your religion onto a democratic secular society.  It is not I who belong back in the home, silenced.  It is you and your religionists who belong back in the church to practice your faith between you and your God however you see fit.  It is you who must take your religion out of the public sphere.  In a free society, you have no right to impose your religious beliefs on anyone else!

Bolger: But this bill protects women from being coerced into an abortion.

Ova Lord: This bill presumes that women are incapable of making their own decisions, threatens doctors and places the life of a fetus over that of the mother even if the woman was raped, a victim of incest or her life is in danger.  It is a sweeping, unconstitutional and ghoulish attempt to revive the long-settled matter of Roe v. Wade and overturn its seminal compromise through a bevy of cheap tricks.  This is indicative of another modus operandi of your sneaky gang: constructing policy based on unscientific thought.  From denying climate change and blocking stem cell research to forcing creationism to be taught in schools, magical thinking pervades your ideology.  Science and dispassionate reason should be the driving forces behind public policy.  Yet legislators who have no medical experience are ignoring doctors and scientists and crafting sweeping policy based on narrow religious considerations.  And women are not allowed a voice in public when their bodies are being regulated.  Up to 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  Are you going to make miscarriages illegal?

Bolger: Actually, now that you mention it…

Ova Lord: No!  Forget I said that!  Forget…  Forgeeeeeet……….

And with that, the Ova Lord shrank and disappeared.  The lights came back on with a low hum and Representative Lisa Brown was standing where she had been only a few moments earlier, seemingly unaware that anything unusual had happened.

Speaker Bolger gaveled vigorously and said,

“Let everyone here be a witness.  Our worst fears have been realized.  This is why we Republicans must control what every woman does with her va… ‘Valhalla’ and women must never, ever, be allowed to mention it.”

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