Is Mitt Romney Older Than the Pyramids?

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Mitt Romney has been lying about his age.  A recent Vanity Fair article by Nicholas Shaxson reveals that Romney has an IRA (Individual Retirement Account) worth up to $102 million.  According to the IRS, the annual contribution limit to an IRA is $6,000.  A number of commentators have wondered how this is possible.  We may never know, since Romney is refusing to issue more than one year of tax returns, bucking the precedent of releasing more than a decade’s worth set by his father George Romney 44 years ago.

Shaxson interviews a slew of experts and people who knew Mitt over the years who speculate that he could have accomplished it sort of legally by creatively exploiting loopholes, aggressively manipulating rates and socking his fortune away extensively in offshore tax havens.  They point out it would be unprecedented for a presidential candidate to be actively pursuing a strategy of wringing every penny out of tax loopholes and effectively betting against the dollar with Swiss and Cayman Islands accounts and a shell company in Bermuda.  The Bermuda holding in particular implies that Romney’s real fortune could be well north of the previous $250 million estimate.  Shaxson concludes that his wealth compounded so much because he is a

“remarkable financial acrobat”

who is

“comfortable striding into some fuzzy gray zones.”

But we all know that Mitt Romney is a man of the people.  He’s an average Joe.  The elite media are picking on him ‘cuz they can’t stand the thought of old Willard Six-Pack takin’ back the White House for regular folks.  We know that Mitt Romney would never engage in any immoral, unethical or illegal financial practices.  He paid $6,000 into his IRA every year like the rest of us.  And if he won’t release his tax returns it’s just because they’re stashed somewhere in one of his attics behind a dusty old dresser, under old issues of Maxim.  And they’re soooo boring.  Why would anyone read them?

The fact is Mitt Romney paid $6,000 into his IRA every year and he is REALLY old.  With an IRA worth up to $102,000,000 at a rate of $6,000 per year, Mitt Romney is up to 17,000 years old.  Let that sink in.  That’s right, Mitt Romney has been running for president since before the dawn of civilization.  In fact, Romney was performing leveraged buyouts in the late Paleolithic.  He invested in a little company that revolutionized hunting and gathering by using spears, not to just to jab, but to throw.  Romney is truly a pioneer, and not just for outsourcing jobs to China.

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