Late Night Political Jokes for Dems

“The Republicans, for their part, have accepted the Supreme Court’s decision and said they’re going to focus on working with the president. I’m joking, of course. They threw a tantrum, sh*t in their pants, and flung their feces at the White House. They took it like Mel Gibson does when a script is late.” –Bill Maher

“The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney came out and said, ‘It is bad policy, it is bad law, I must have been drunk when I came up with it.’” –Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin said, ‘Obama lies, freedom dies.’ And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.’ But freedom is dead.” –Bill Maher

“Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg’s opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas — 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath.” –Bill Maher

“I secretly want Romney to win because, look, I’m a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as President, it’s like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war.” –Bill Maher

“And then there’s Congressman Paul Ryan. On the plus side, he has piercing blue bedroom eyes. On the minus side, he’s a heartless smirking bastard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless smirking bastards. And Mitt, you already have that vote locked up.” –Bill Maher

“Of course, there’s always Tim Pawlenty. He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting, in the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting.” –Bill Maher

“So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box. what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012? It’s unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, ‘I think the black guy’s up to no good.’ –Bill Maher

“But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President? Mitt Romney. That’s right, Mitt. Yourself! Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you. I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it’s gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan’s Law, the infield fly rule. OK, forget that one.” –Bill Maher

“The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

Courtesy of DIRECT eZine, the newsletter of the San Diego County Democratic Party

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