Romney’s engineers attempted to program emotion into him this week but it seemed to be more than his hardware could handle. While campaigning in Ohio, the Mittbot 1040 algorithm suffered from a terrible glitch which caused the Republican candidate to begin his sentences with his new ‘iCare’ programming and finish them with lines from his notorious May video in which he expressed disgust for 47% of Americans.
Speaking to a crowd of several hundred outside Columbus, Romney announced in a monotone,
“I’ve been across this country,” And I’ve seen that forty-seven percent of Americans “believe they are victims.”
As he continued, a mechanical whirring in his throat preceded an unnaturally high register, which indicated the human emotion feeling. Pounding his chest disturbingly hard, he said,
“My heart aches for the people I’ve seen,” because I know “I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”
Stabbing the air, he said he was prepared
“to help those who are ‘hurting’ under the tough economy,” those “who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it.”
After telling a story about an unemployed womb-man he met on the campaign trail, he jabbed himself in the face and insisted,
“I care about the people in America,” “who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them.”
His pistons began humming as he briefly returned to safer ground, saying
“I will do what it takes to get this economy going,” and I will fix the “forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax.”
A greasy tear rolled down his deeply tanned latex cheek as he stuttered,
“There are so many in our country that are hurting right now,” and, and, and, and “And so my job is not to worry about those people.”
Once it became clear something was wrong, technicians rushed onto the stage and opened the Mittbot 1040′s control panel. To entertain the crowd, campaign staff wheeled out the Ann-toinne Rom-nette Stepford Wifebot. As the crowd booed, the wifebot hissed,
“Stop it. This is hard. You wanna try it? Get in the ring. This is hard. And it is time for” you people “to realize how lucky” you “are to have” Mitt “to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”
As this story went to press, the political power couple were flying to their next campaign stop in one of Mitt’s 747s with the windows rolled down. Ann’s ballet horse was, as usual, tied to the wing.