Hey there ATD reader, and welcome to my inaugural post on this site. I realize the byline on this post would seem to indicate the author is Ken, a somewhat sporadic liberal poster on this site. Let me be entirely up front and honest about the true identity of the author of this post. Ken may be some wild eyed lefty freakazoid in Oregon, but this post is written and approved by Huntsville Tx. Councilman Keith B Olson. As proof, and to irrefutably verify my identity, I will now lean back in my seat and simultaneously touch the computer screen with both tips of my moustache, without using my hands. See?
This is NOT SARCASM OR A PARODY! *
The reason I am authoring a post here is that various local miscreants have taken some sort of twisted pleasure in stealing my identity and opening fake twitter accounts with tweets purportedly from me, or various body parts of mine.
Consider this example. Someone had the temerity to set a twitter account with the handle of Laughable Loll (obviously meant to confuse the public into thinking that I was the true author) and tweetly deed the following outrageous twittle: “I shined my head extra special for tonight so the camera would reflect off of it.”
Another twittler gave the impression that my moustache had established a Twitter account and twitified “(Councilman) Keith (Olson) likes to abuse his powers like I like to abuse his face.”
In fact these perfidious hellions have gone to far, and if there is one place in the nation you do not want to be identified as a perfidious hellion, that place is Huntsville Texas. I mean I am a councilman in the city of Huntsville, the death penalty capital of the state of Texas which is the death penalty capital of the entire world. These Twittling miscreants have sowed the wind and they shall reap the whirlwind by God!
As a result of this unacceptable twittied crime wave we have put the local prosecutor on the case. They have gone straight to the top of the law enforcement ladder in the State of Texas. No, I’m not talking about the local redneck mob of gun toting country folk. I’m talking about the Texas Rangers. No, not the MLB Texas Rangers who dropped the AL West Division title to the Oakland A’s on the last day of regular play and then lost a 1 game playoff, all after leading the division since game 3 of the season. (Excuse me a moment while I dab a tear from just under my eye with this Tiger tail I have stapled on my upper lip.) I’m talking about THE Texas Rangers lawmen famous for tracking down blood thirsty desperados and always getting their man.
I for one can not imagine any better use of Texas taxpayer dollars than for the famed Texas Rangers to drag these Twittled scofflaws down town to be grilled and pressured into admitting their crimes.
For example Katie Newman, who ran for council last year, was sweated into admitting that she was behind one of the accounts, and threatened with very vague legalisms about false impersonation being punishable by the law. I am Councilman Keith B Olson and I approve that message! Let those who would pretend to be me live in terror of being hunted down by the law, hostily interrogated and maybe fined and tossed into the dungeon for their insolence.
When a spokesperson for the Rangers was asked to comment on this manhunt, they said the Rangers work with prosecutors who request assistance, and that it was only “a matter of hours” that was spent on the investigation so far. I, Councilman Keith B Olson strongly believe that the Rangers should open an entire division dedicated to hunting down these criminal parody twitilians. The citizens of Huntsville Texas demand protection from twittleverse sarcasm and parody. As the councilman serving in the fourth open seat on the board I will do everything in my power to end the tweetled scourge!
And my incredible moustache strongly feels the same way.
*I’ll put the foot note of this awesome post which truly expresses the honest feelings of me, Keith B Olson, of the Huntsville Texas City Council, below the figurative fold. Click on the continue reading button if you dare, and if you can do it with your facial hair and no hands like I can, you get extra points.
The author of this post is really Ken, and this actually is meant as sarcasm and parody. After all, this douchebag is named Keith D Olson, not Keith B Olson! I mean sheesh, how could you miss that obvious give away?