“President Bush is standing there giving his State of the Union, and behind him you can see Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi sitting right behind the president. And man, what a strange, you know, it looks like a married couple waiting for their divorce to be final.” –David Letterman

“During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air.” –David Letterman

“President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. … In our last year’s State of the Union speech, President Bush said, ‘The economy is on the move.’ This year he said, ‘Where’d it go?’” –Jay Leno

“It looks like even President Bush is now being affected by the writers’ strike. Well sure, no new ‘SpongeBob’ episodes.” –jay Leno

“Actually, Giuliani’s Florida strategy, it’s pretty smart because if he doesn’t win there, he can always retire. He’s already there!” –Jay Leno

“All the candidates are talking about national health care, but doctors don’t want it. Doctors worry the national health care plan would drastically cut their pay. Yeah, to give you an idea how much of a pay cut doctors would have to take, they said by the year 2010, you could actually have a lot of doctors playing on public golf courses” –Jay Leno

“Fred Thompson dropped out of the race. … Critics said he ran somewhat of a lackluster campaign. That may be a little bit true. His campaign slogan was ‘Tanned, Rested and In Remission.’” –Bill Maher

“This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I’m with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn’t have one more giant f— up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It’s not like he’s going to quit. He’s going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. … So I’m still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I’m on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says ‘Next Rest Stop: 28 miles.’” –Bill Maher

“Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that’s just among his children.” –Jay Leno

“Sylvester Stallone announced today he is endorsing John McCain. I think that’s what he said. He might have said, ‘Hand me my cane.’” –Jay Leno

“In international news, Condoleezza Rice, our Secretary of State, says that she has offered Iran normal ties if they drop nuclear plans. President Bush turned the idea down. See, I don’t think he understands these things. Bush said, ‘Iranians don’t wear ties. They wear robes.’” –Jay Leno

“Earlier tonight right here on CBS, the hit show ‘Without A Trace.’ Anybody ever seen ‘Without A Trace’? … Wonderful show. And every week they go looking for something that has disappeared. And earlier tonight, investigators tried to locate the Giuliani campaign.” –David Letterman

“I think you can tell that Rudy Giuliani is a little desperate because now he is saying that while he was mayor, New York City was never attacked by a giant lizard. … And I looked it up. It’s true.” –David Letterman

“Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee are both asking their staffs to work without pay. They want them to work without pay to help them get across their message, ‘I’m the best one to fix the economy.’” –Jay Leno

“In South Carolina, former ‘Law & Order’ star Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. He also came in a distant third. Came in third! Which would be great if he was still on NBC. He’d be a hero. Hey, we’ll take third place.” –Jay Leno

“I was sad to see Fred Thompson drop out. I just hope this doesn’t give his face that gloomy hang dog look.” –Jay Leno

“It looks like Rudy Giuliani having a rough time in Florida. Man, I tell you, his early lead evaporated quicker than those wedding vows.” –Jay Leno

“As if this field isn’t crowded enough, Ralph Nader says he will decide in a month whether he’ll run for president again. Ralph Nader. Hey, he’s ready to go. Luckily, his suit is still unpressed from the last time” –Jay Leno

“Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody’s crazy about this. Don’t worry. George W. Bush says he’s got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn’t work, Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face.” –David Letterman

“Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for ‘No Country For Old Men,’ which I think was also John McCain’s campaign slogan.” –Jay Leno

“Another big Oscar nod for ‘There Will Be Blood,’ the story of a ruthless oil tycoon. Or, as Dick Cheney calls it, ‘the greatest movie of all time.’” –Jay Leno

“As you know, South Carolina was a big win for Senator McCain, not so much for Huckabee. … Yeah, Mike Huckabee, it was his biggest set-back, well, since that squirrel blew a fuse in the popcorn popper.” –Jay Leno

“Well, Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet? … It’s kind of sad. The only thing standing between Fred and the White House — the American people.” –Jay Leno

“Super Tuesday is coming up — 23 states, 70 million votes. That is almost as much as ‘American Idol,’ do you realize that?” –Jay Leno

“Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don’t really count.” –Jay Leno

“Have you heard this report that Iran and Syria have been printing counterfeit $100 bills in order to ruin the U.S. economy? Hey, you’re about four years too late, okay? You know, if the Iranians really want to ruin our economy, make TVs and cars. That’s what the Japanese did” –Jay Leno

From DIRECT, created by Bob Jellison for the San Diego Democratic Party newsletter.