“John McCain’s in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One.” –Conan O’Brien

“I guess McCain is scheduled to meet with three possible vice presidential nominees this weekend at his home. The candidates are very excited to go. They say the only downside — they hate it when he keeps pushing that bowl of ribbon candy on them. ‘Try the butterscotch.’” –Jay Leno

“Well, actually, on the news, they stress that these vice presidential meetings were only preliminary. And before any final decision is made, they say that McCain will sit down with his senior advisers. His senior advisers? The guy is 71. What, are they from the Millard Fillmore administration?” –Jay Leno

“And McCain released 1,200 pages of medical documents this week, to prove that he is healthy. 1,200 pages to prove he’s healthy? Man. Man, how many does Dick Cheney have? My God!” –Jay Leno

“You know the difference between ‘American Idol’ and the Democratic primaries? See, they count the votes on ‘American Idol’ from Florida and Michigan.” –Jay Leno

The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain’s medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up.” –Jay Leno

“Jenna Bush was recently married. I understand, as his wedding gift to the couple, President Bush gave them two $600 stimulus checks.” –Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian.” –David Letterman

“John McCain unveiled his new slogan. ‘Hey, you, get off my lawn!’” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky. Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon. And John McCain is expected to win at bingo. So everybody wins.” –Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. 75,000. That’s the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies.” –Jay Leno

“It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. … And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!” –Jay Leno

From DIRECT, created by Bob Jellison for the San Diego Democratic Party newsletter.